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I am a little tired and still thinking of sleep, my eyes probably have crust in them, I'm sure of it. The house is asleep and at this time, 5 am, I am usually the only one awake. The world is quiet at this time. Still in between dark and becoming light. It's so peaceful and wonderful. My only company is God and his creations, his masterpieces, the sky and mountains. I'm awake because of him. I have his breath in my body and isn't that a wonder? That my speech is because he put it there. I'm feeling somewhat better these days. I was in a dark place of rejection, fear, and unworthiness, but I'm doing what must be done to combat it; Spending time with God, writing, and to my surprise Therapy. Yes, I said therapy. After believing the Lord put it on my heart to go, I took a faith step and paid for sessions. My first session went well and of course, I cried about life, cried feelings of relief, and cried because I felt safe. This is new and I have no idea what I am doing.
I think I would like to write songs...is that possible? I feel I have lyrics inside me and there are sometimes barriers that stand between me and my inner child. They are dark walls that I'm working on tearing down. I will write with freedom and from the love in my heart, even if it scares me...especially if it scares me. I believe I will write many things. Also, I started thinking about doing a short film, non-fiction most likely, telling other's peoples stories are most beautiful. I'm learning to show up in the world as God made me and nothing else. I'm learning to write not as an obligation but as an offering, as a sacrifice, as a selfless creative and discovering what that's like.
Do you have any idea what you're doing? A voice in me asks.
I'm slowly awakening from slumber, I can still feel it in my body wanting to pull me back to bed, gravity resting on my chest, but I have to resist. I have a full day ahead of me, starting with cooking dinner for the week, going to work and the library after work, and then yes...sleep.
I am excited to grow, especially surrounded by a good community, friends, and family. Working to be that version of myself but in a way, I feel I am already her. I don't have to chase her. I do have a strong desire to stay in Wellington. It feels like home here. I want to settle here for a while and see what can become of it. Everything is new and familiar at the same time. What do you make of that?
I was told in therapy to write and retrace the details of three major events in my life. 3 different versions of me, from all different perspectives. Maybe I'll find something new on the pages. Some small components of hidden treasure that will help unlock more of me as an artist and as a person. I'm learning that this gift of storytelling is not about me, it's not solely about my life and I'm unpacking what that means. I realize that when I approach free writing like a task, something to make me productive, then I feel guilty and have a sense of delay. I want to show up for everything I put my mind to. I hope I don't let you down. I hope you'll still be here even after I go. I hope you'll wait for me in the shadows.
Holy Spirit help me render what I see and hear. Help me learn to document my soul and life around me. Let my ears be a recorder and my eyes a camera. Let my soul crack open and release the stories that are around me. You alone are my source. You are the reason I can live this life. It is only with you that I will succeed. Create in me someone brave, courageous, daring, and risk-taking. Let words fall out of me as easily as a dam breaking and the sun rising; they don't do it because they have an obligation, they do it because they are created to BE. I am created to BE. Let the stroke of my pen be my solitude, be my prayer, my song. Let it be my surrender and sacrifice. Let me find you in these lines, within these pages. Give me energy for the day, give me a thankful heart and a peaceful mind. Create in me what you will. You know best and I trust you. I am yours. I am gifted and a child of God. You have set me aside for a purpose. I have everything already in me to be everything you've created me to be. I will fix my eyes on you and seek first the Kingdom of God. Let my hands, my words, my mind, body, and soul be a living sacrifice to you. Let everything in me of waste die so that you can live in me and reveal yourself in ways only you know how. Teach me to be more like you empower me and give me the desire to do it.