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Sunday, March 3rd @ 4:20 pm
Today has been an emotional one. I have cried off and on like water running from the tap. Yesterday, I spent the day in bed, sleeping and numbing; sleeping and eating; praying and then watching K-drama under the covers with the blinds slightly drawn. I was socially tapped out. I had talked enough for the week and only sought after silence and solitude- not hearing another person's voice but characters in the show, God in worship and the wind softly caressing my skin, reminding me that I could still feel.
When I stumbled downstairs of my flat, I hear laughter behind the closed door to the kitchen and was met with my flat mate and her friend chatting, enjoying each others company. At first, I was hesitant to stay but soon enough I embraced the welcomed conversation and the laughter that erupted from the well of my stomach. I talked with them until 3 in the morning and decided I was sill going to church at 9am. I heard myself say No to the decision, but God telling me Yes.
"No", I said.
"People", God responded.
"No", I said.
"People", he whispered.
"No", I said.
"People", he finished.
"People", I said- giving in.
I spent 99% of Saturday alone, quieting what I didn't want to be heard and now I needed people- I needed community. The moment worship started my heart emptied of every emotion, all heaviness. I was grieving and I knew it. I had picked up my life from the US to AU and then to AU to NZ and now I'm preparing to begin again in SK- to step outside my comfort zone again, to trust again, build relationships, work, exercise faith- again. I am excited but I also am grieving what will be left behind. Relationships I forged, memories I created and shared, stories started and haven't finished...
Is this what it feels like to leave something good and familiar when it was once foreign and strange? A street I walk by wasn't even in my vocabulary a year ago and now it has become a route to take me home. A dear friend said to me "you will love people you don't even know yet, they are waiting for you". And as I heard those words they began to take root in my soul. What is waiting on the other side of now? I wonder.
I am learning to love deeply, let go with open hands instead of closed fists, and with it comes a wrestle with goodbyes.
