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Things I know to be true today:
I have no desire to work on a film set- though some people naturally assume it because I majored in Film, it is the last thing I want to do.
I believe my next country is to go to South Korea and I wish someone would pack my suitcase for me... is there a hiring service anywhere?
I've resorted to wearing my locs in different updos because I want to grow them longer, but staring at them in the mirror is useless, so...away it goes.
I missed two weeks of posting because I've been afraid to be vulnerable in my little corner of the internet, even though there are no readers (I haven't really told anyone about Diaries). It is facing yourself that always seems to be the hardest challenge...
So, here I am once again, facing my fears in the smallest way, and I take that as a victory. I made a promise to myself to write Diaries all year as a practice of being, with no long laundry list of goals, rules, or pressures of writing projects, trying to be known, or whatever other reasons. To continue the journey of discovering myself, I will not run away from this. I will not run away from myself. The results of what I may find are risk-worthy.
This past Friday I found the podcast Woman Evolve with Sarah Jakes Roberts and on the episode Knowing God's Character, she asked a question. The question---> "What are you trying to avoid experiencing by holding what you have been working on?"
When I sit down in my own company and dare to whisper the truth in the warm air, I know the answer. I'm afraid of judgment. My thoughts leap to "What will happen if I post these journal entries on the front page of my site? What will people think of me writing about my failures and downfalls, insecurities and losses? Who will I let down?
These are the thoughts that crept in these past two weeks and somewhere along the way, I let the thoughts be louder than my voice. I made a promise to myself to show up and be present. I choose myself over the fear. Even as I write this, I'm realizing how silly it all is, to not expect myself to be human and imperfect, messy, yet still beautiful, still worthy. There is power in vulnerability and there is power in using your voice - in using my voice. Finding the courage to try again, to write again in this format, I hear my inner thoughts saying: Thank you Lauren for showing up. I needed you. Remember to keep going.